History and Identity

Today in class we talked with a Native American historian who is Native American - that is, s/he studies a people with whom s/he has a personal family history connection. We also read a very dense and scholarly work on Native American history (not by the historian we were talking to.) Some people in the class wondered if this biased the perspective - even though the content is completely scholarly and rigorous - especially since the author bookended the scholarly text with his/her own family history and connection to the story. The family connection was not in the actual body of the work - just in the prologue and epilogue. Then we talked about how some Native historians believe that only Native people should write Native history.

These sort of questions really get me going. Who should write histories of "oppressed" peoples? What sorts of problems emerge when writing from a dominant cultural background about an oppressed people? These are questions we really have to think about because we in academia are not past racism. We are not past sexism. We live in it every day, and it's no longer personal or even necessarily blatant group racism - i.e. the historical scholarship in the 1910s about slavery saying African Americans were just so inherently inferior, lazy, etc that slavery made the most sense. It's who gets book prizes. Who goes to graduate school. Who is still in power at conferences and heads of departments and all of that.

I don't think that everyone is (and by that I usually mean white men and women are) inherently racist and sexist and that this shows up in their historical work - but I'm afraid that's how my comments came across today. I mentioned that many white people, when confronted with racism, retreat to their most oppressed identity. I was really struck by this in my own life and how I saw it in others' lives. However, when we write history, we are encouraged to remove ourselves from the picture - lest we, like the above author, be criticized for bias. But we can't escape our own bias. We can't change what ethnicity we are, even if we'd love to go "Native" so to speak and get down there as if we were born Native. I feel like this is a disappointment to people. But we can't do it. What we have to do is realize our own identity and what it is that interests us about the subjects we study. This sounds so psychoanalytical, but I think it matters. I think we should all write prologues "giving away" our identities - not just those who have a family connection to the story. Not just "ethnic" historians, in both senses of the term, as they often coincide. It doesn't matter what you are writing about. If you are writing about white people, shouldn't you say that you are white just like the Native people note their connection? Why isn't that important to us white people? What does that say?

So what do we as white historians do? I think we need to understand that many people of color live in a white dominated American society and that because of our privilege, we can just ignore the fact that everyone must become fluent in our culture as well as their culture. Can I just go from my white-bread background, research slavery, and write about it without thinking about what a black person might think of this? I mean, you can - but I don't think it's responsible history. And reading sources isn't enough. I think we need to talk to each other about race, without getting defensive. And people might not be willing to share their culture, because well, they've been screwed over in the past. It is our responsibility to prove that we are trustworthy. That we will listen, not interrupt or debate, not invalidate their experience. And then, we can write history. And the same goes true the other way - but I think people of color have far more understanding of white culture than vice versa.

And if I am of a culture (say, me writing about white women), it is also my responsibility to realize what bias that has on my writing. To exclude my own personal feelings, emotions, etc from the scholarship that is not the prologue or the epilogue. Argue whatever the sources give you - which we all hope line up with our own social agendas, deep down, right? - be true to your sources, tell the history as best you can. But acknowledge why you write in the appropriate place.


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Anyhow. In other news, I feel alternately better and worse about my classes and how I am doing in them. Oh well. I am not here to stroke my ego. I am here to learn, and every day I am learning something new. So I have an off day here or there - that's just how it is. I need to be reminded of this every day. I feel so unprepared for seminar.

I need to be reading, but instead I am going to prepare for my get-together tonight for the premier of The Office. I am going to attempt to make soft pretzels. Wish me luck.

Not much to say other than I'm back in New Haven after an awesome weekend. Class went well today.

The to-do list for now until this weekend:

- Read one book by tomorrow at 7 PM
-Read another by Thursday at 9 AM
-Read article for Thursday AM
- Begin reading the book for Tuesday; start review by Friday. Edited by Monday.
- email professor back about minor field reading list assignment for class
- check books out for paper due two weeks from now, begin reading
- Talk with prof about final paper (major field bibliographic essay)
- Oh, email Russian language assessors to potentially TAKE my language exam on FRIDAY...or maybe to say I'll take it next semester


Then, some small wedding stuff to do. Ride my new bike (!!!). Read Aaron's memo. Throw Office premier party on Thursday.

And History drinks on Friday. Socialization at the end of the tunnel!

Meeeeechigan

I'm in Ann Arbor! I flew in yesterday - it was a fairly uneventful flight, though per usual I spent too much time in transit. The one place I overestimate the time it takes to do something is when I'm travelling. Otherwise, I'm late everywhere else. Oh well.

Yesterday we got our shirts for the Maize Out at the game today, worked on our homework (reading for me, memo for him), ate dinner in the overpriced dining hall, and met up with Aaron's brother and a friend from college at Ashley's.

In a few minutes we go to meet with a florist to talk about flowers for the wedding. Not looking forward to it. Don't really care about flowers, but we do need some of them for tradition's sake.

A little bit more wedding stuff later, then...TO THE GAME!! I can't wait. I'm so excited. Go Blue!

Scallops

Today was a long but very eventful day. Class at 9:30 (walked in this time, took about a half hour) in which we discussed the work read for Tuesday. Suffice it to say that although I lack the historiography to support my points, I had some idea of what I was talking about. Unfortunately, this didn't get me very far. So, after class (and grabbing coffee with some classmates) I headed over to the library and charged out* a few books on the topic I was arguing with others over, plus about fifteen more on slavery and the law. I haven't read them yet, but they are on my shelf!

* The great thing about being a grad student is the charge out policy. I have a shelf in the history reading room in the stacks of the library. I can grab books from the stacks, put a little slip in them with the call number written on it, and place them on my shelf. Then, a little library elf comes and notes which books I have and does some library magic in the computer system so the book is logged, but mine. I'd have to actually check it out to leave the library (and they Inspect. Every. Book. that leaves the library, so they could prove it) but I can read them whenever I want in the reading room or anywhere else in the library.

After loading up but not reading those books, I read the most recent work by the guy who spoke at the lecture today. It was amazing. (This presents a weird conundrum for me - do I say the title and risk showing up on a random Google? I think I'll keep things anonymous for now.) The lecture was also really interesting, and the dinner that followed (!) was very intimate - about 10 of us total - and I got to participate in some very interesting conversations with these really awesome people. I mean, the historians out there would pee their pants if they knew who I was at the table with tonight. It really revived me after a frustrating week, and I will now redouble my efforts to get some context for the next readings. I am also going to make a concerted effort to keep an open mind and try to approach things from different angles rather than my usual postmodern critical race theory self. Not that that's bad - but why would I want to limit myself? That's not why I'm here.

One thing I learned from dinner, though: I still don't like scallops. We went to a very fancy Latino-fusion-seafood restaurant and I figured, well, I kind of liked scallops the last time I had them and this is the place to do it (free and fancy.) Well, they were very tasty - melt in your mouth buttery, excellent light sauce, delicious black bean and asparagus ravioli. But I cannot stand the texture of seafood. I tried shrimp. Scallops. Tasty, unbelievable flavor. Nasty, nasty, gag me texture. Wish I'd gotten the steak.

Tomorrow I am off to Ann Arbor to visit Aaron, cheer on the Wolverines vs Penn State, do some wedding planning, and do a lot of reading. Wheee!

Giving in and eating out

Those of you who know me know about my hummingbird-like qualities when it comes to food. I need it, all the time, generally in high-calorie formats. In Oregon, when I wasn't walking as much at my sedentary desk job, I was fine eating cereal for breakfast at 8 and then going until lunch, where I'd have half a sandwich and some fruit and that would sustain me until I devoured dinner at six.

No more, my friends, no more. It cannot be done. I can't go in to campus with a granola bar and an apple and expect to last more than two hours.

In the interest of saving money, my plan is to pack and freeze sandwiches and other lunch items in advance so that I won't be tempted to eat out. Since I don't have access to a fridge or microwave on campus (as far as I know) this should be a good option.

Haven't gone to class yet today - my only class is from 7-9 tonight. Had my first yoga class this morning, which was really nice. That will be a good weekly activity. Then I went and grabbed lunch (see? $6.50 for a mediocre burrito. Next time I'm going to the local veggie cafe. At least it's worth it then.) Then I read, ran some errands, make some errand phone calls, and now I'm back at home to read some more before class.

My new bike should be here soon, and I can't wait to go to Michigan this weekend! Yaaaaaay!

Ugh

Seems like it's going to be a long week, and it's only Tuesday.

Today was not such a good day. I don't really want to go into why; suffice it to say I am beginning to feel the pangs of imposter's syndrome.

Didn't get much accomplished, bad mood, hungry all compounded to make me go home early and veg in front of the computer.

Tomorrow, though, is a new day. This is just the first step in a long process. This won't be the only time I feel this way, and I'll soon feel like I did last week - like I am on top of the world and I can do anything I want. It just comes and goes.

The first week

So, the first week of class has come and gone. I've had all of my classes at least once now, and even turned in my first assignment - a 500 word book review of one of our summer readings. I really like my classes, and am even enjoying the reading that never seems to stop.

One surprising find is that I love Alexis de Tocqueville's Democracy in America. It's really entertaining, mostly because he's right about so many things. I kind of want to say, "Hellllo 19th century people! Do you hear what this guy's saying?! Wake up!" At least about the critiques he makes - of course they heard the good stuff, and not all of de Tocqueville's observations are that progressive either.

I got assigned a shelf in the history reading room in the library today, so that's quite exciting. The library is so fabulous - we can borrow books from almost any Ivy League school and they'll be here usually within a day or two. That's the benefit of having a bazillion dollars and being really committed to books. I'm glad I'm here.

I'm still settling into my apartment. Life without a car is interesting - I should do a whole post on that at some point. I used Peapod a week ago to deliver some groceries and it worked fabulously. Using Target to deliver some picture frames was not so successful, as one of them cracked in transit. The other day two friends came over for dinner after a grocery run (carless grad student tip #1: find friends with cars) so the house has had its first party! I'm thinking of throwing a costume Halloween party for the second, but that will depend on how the furniture acquisition process goes.

Anyhow, it's time for bed. I'm on a new, strict, grownup schedule. We'll see how long this lasts. Stay tuned for more thoughts from the life of a graduate history student!

Introduction

Welcome to the latest incarnation of my blog. I last left you at my other blog - Two of Six Thousand - as I left Oregon after finishing my year of service as an Americorps VISTA. That year brought many changes - trying a new field, enjoying it but not that much, applying to graduate school, getting accepted, visiting various schools, and deciding to attend Yale.

Oh, and I got engaged to my wonderful partner Aaron, but that's an entirely different blog. Though some wedding stuff may show up here occasionally.

Now, I'm a first year graduate student in the Department of History here at an East Coast university. Since it wouldn't be too hard to figure out who I am in real life, I'll leave the gossip to the happy hours, but there will be plenty of general frustrations, celebrations, and musings about graduate student life.

By the way, the quote is from Herodotus, which we read on the first day in one of my classes to remind us why we do history. For me, this is what it's all about: doing good history so that the colors don't get lost in the black and white of the text and the analysis. Maybe that's not what Herodotus had in mind (he seemed to focus on a lot of battles, if I remember Great Books correctly...) but I think it might come in handy when things get bleak around here.